What We Talkin' About

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2010-04-21T17:45:00.001-07:00

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Alternate Movie Tagline: SCARFACE

2010-04-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

They're Real Movies. They're Real Fake Tag Lines. They're Alternate Movie Tag Lines: SCARFACE.

I'm Your Tax Man

2010-04-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

Things you probably overheard me saying while getting my taxes done by my accountant:

1) Gotta make that paper paper! Gotta make that money money!

2) What’s the name of my business? Wu-Tang International INC.

3) I’m depending on you to get this done so that makes you a dependant right?

4) Gotta make that paper paper! Gotta make that cheddar cheddar!

5) What’s my name? I already told you man it’s Wesley Snipes. Now what’s the problem?

6) Can I just say that playing Bone Thugs N’ Harmony “First of the Month” is a really nice touch to this office?

7) Didn’t make no paper paper! Now I gotta pay them taxes taxes!

8) I owe how much! Alright I have this map see? Now you join me in finding this treasure on One Eyed Willy’s boat and I see both of our problems disappearing.

9) What-wait. No I thought-no wait. I thought you said you was alright Spider.

10) How funny would it be if we put a nugget of weed in the envelope and sent that to the IRS? Okay now what do you mean by “That’s illegal.”?

Upcoming Fun Shows This Week Kids!

2010-04-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

Howdy Peoples!

I just want to give you a heads up on some solid show's that I will be a part of this week. So for all you wonderful people who ask when my next show is, Here You Go!:

Tuesday April 13 9pm: Laugh It Up Kid @ Schubas 3159 N. Southport. Tickets are $5 and are available at the door. Check out the LIUK website here!

Weds. April 14th 9pm: Comedians You Should Know @ Timothy O'Toole's 622 N. Fairbanks. Tickets are $5 and are available at the door. Check out the CYSK website here!

Fri. April 16th 8pm: Windy City Burlesque Festival @ Greenhouse Theatre 2257 N. Lincoln. Tickets are $20. Tickets are available here. Check out the Windy City Burlesque Festival website here!

Sat. April 17th 10:30pm: Windy City Burlesque Festival @ Greenhouse Theatre 2257 N. Lincoln. Tickets are $20. Tickets are available here! Check out the Windy City Burlesque Festival website here!

Also check out the new website that I'm a writer/contributer on called Actually Funny. What is it? It's just that. A website with blogs, videos, all dat-all dat! which is actually funny. Check it out here! Become a fan of Actually Funny on Facebook here. Tell your friends. Tell your kids.

"Is that it Ricky?"

Nope. Here comes the knock out punch. I'll be performing with super hilarious Doug Benson (Super High Me, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Last Comic Standing) on May 16th at Zanies!!! Boo-yeah!!! It's a special 4:20pm show. If I have to explain why well, it's cause....you know, you know. Tickets are available here.

That's it. Got it? I'm gone. But if you're looking for me you can become a fan on Facebook right here. You can follow me on Twitter here. You can also check me out on Witstream.com.

Alternate Movie Tag Line - Alien

2010-04-02T12:40:00.000-07:00

The Only Thang We Gotsta Fear....

2010-03-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

I've lived too much of my life in fear and it sucks. I dated this girl for awhile. One of the prettiest girls I've ever dated in my life. Pret-tay. Fine! The kinda fine where I was like, "What is your fine ass doing with me?" The answer? Not much. She broke up with me soon after. In a written letter. Don't feel bad for me. I got her back by rapping Public Enemy lyrics through my tears on the walk home:

"I got a letter from the government the otha' day!"
"It said this fine ass girl don't wanna see me no more."
"Sob sob sobbing."

There's nothing quite like rejection especially when you're reading it to yourself. Your own voice telling you that you don't want to be with you. I've since learned to read rejection letters with Della Reese's voice in my head. Della Reese telling you that it ain't gonna work out is much easier to accept than your own. Relationships are not my forte. I'm so bad at getting in relationships with girls that if I make eye contact with one I just consider that dating. If she blinks that means it's over. She has a lazy eye? She's cheating.

What are some of the things that've caused the most fear in my life?

Getting on stage to tell jokes for the first time. I'd compare it to coming over to talk to the cool kids table in the lunch room but when you say hi projectile vomit comes out your mouth. Everybody stares at you and you think to yourself, "Shit I gotta try that again but better."

Hoping nobody would catch me trapped in a bathroom stall at church summer camp because I crapped my pants. I crapped my pants, people. At a church fucking summer camp. You know in Full Metal Jacket when Matthew Modine tells Adam Baldwin in his best John Wayne impression, "Well you can just eat the peanuts out of my shit." I could've provided more than enough said shit peanut.

Report card pick up with my mom during 8th grade. Before Mike Tyson used "Welcome To The Terrordome" when he entered the ring to whup on that ass, Haugan Elementary would play it over the loudspeakers when they saw my mom entering the building.

Watching Garret Morris' death scene in The Stuff:

Someday a change will come. If I ever meet Fear I plan on giving it a good "Fuck you!" to the face. On behalf of all of us. It's gonna be a good Jack Lemmon Glengarry Glen Ross Kevin Spacey fucktastic scolding. Because someone needs to. You, I, we can't keep living our lives like this. We're supposed to be winners in this game. We win. Fear loses. Fuck you pay me. And you know what? I'm afraid that's all I have to say on this.

Shit someone call Morris Day and The Time so I can find out when my next gig is.

I'm on Twitter. Talk to that.

Hey Have You Seen That New Scott Pilgrim Trailer?

2010-03-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Alright I've been hearing about this Scott Pilgrim movie for a minute. It's based on a comic book which I haven't read but I'm more a follower of comic book movies than of the actual comic. Put that witty sarcasm down comic book nerds! Sarcasm is for closers.

My aforementioned logic (damn man I be dropping words like "aforementioned" like Nino Brown be handing out turkeys!) looks like it's in my favor because this looks like a comic book come to life and I dig it! I hope the visual exclamation effects that are shown are part of the movie and not just there for some kind of trailer enhancement. I hope Edgar Wright knocks it out again with this one (if you don't like Hot Fuzz or Shaun of The Dead I don't wanna see you no mo'!). And I reeeeeeeally hope that's Anne Veal (her?) playing one of Ramona's evil exes knockin' George Michael the fuck out.

Talk to this trailer then light up a mayon-egg in Anne's honor. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World hits theaters August 13, 2010.

Alternate Movie Tag Line: Here's An Offer....

2010-03-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not alone when saying that I'd rather have woken up with a horse's head in my bed than watch The Godfather III.

This Is The Life We Have Chosen.

2010-03-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

How did that kid on the left turn into that dude on the right?

They say a picture is worth a 1,000 words. Here are a total of 169 words that prove one thing. That kid on the left didn't think that much different back then then that dude on the right does today.

1) In one of those pics I'm thinking "This must be how the President starts his day!".

2) In one of those pics I'm thinking "I can be Axel Foley. I can be cool like Axel Foley. I can say fuck like Axel Foley":

TEACHER: Ricky since you don't have your homework I'm gonna have to call your mother.
ME: Get the fuck outta here!
TEACHER: No I cannot.

3) In one of those pics I'm thinking "I'm really glad Mom bought this outfit for me!"

4) In one of those pics I'm happy because I'm quietly ripping ass.

5) In one of those pics I'm nervous about who it is that is just out of frame.

6) In one of those pics I'm confident that if I try hard enough I could be the next member of New Edition.

7) In one of those pics I'm thinking "I should've gone with the Jheri Curl look today."

8) In one of those pics I'm thinking "There's no way this picture will ever come back to haunt me."

Re-Release The Trailer Son!

2010-03-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

How we doing peoples! My friend Paul likes to make the analogy that our lives can be viewed as one long television series in which you are the star and you have a recurring cast such as your freinds, occasional guest stars which usually consist of a guy or girl who you may be smitten (I just dropped the word smitten!) with at the time, and finally the daily adventures of your life which can be described as the episode. If we follow that analogy then consider this a crossover blog episode on "The Ricky Carmona Show!".

Over at Is That Your Boy they've taken the "Hey Have You Seen That Trailer?" post idea and done something really cool with it. They've taken the original trailer to "Clash of The Titans" from 1981 and re-cut it as a shot for shot remake of the upcoming 2010 "Clash of The Titans" trailer. Check out the trailer below cut by Paul Miglio courtesy of www.isthatyourboy.com:

"So here is my interpretation of the new Clash of the Titans trailer with old footage. Hope you enjoy."

"Here is my version of the trailer with the original as a Picture-In-Picture for comparison."

"And here's the actual trailer for the new Clash of the Titans...which I think kicks ass."

Head on over to www.isthatyourboy.com for the full article. It will do you no harm. Wu Tang!

Hey Have You Seen The New Tron Legacy Trailer?

2010-03-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Everything about this movie has me excited about this movie except the actual movie? Does that make sense? I am excited to see Jeff Bridges, excuse me, Academy Award winning actor Jeff Bridges allow me to get that dirt off your shoulders son! I am excited to hear Daft Punk's soundtrack. And 3D! I haven't been this excited to watch a movie in 3D since-....well shit since Avatar! Am I excited for the story of TRON though? Not really. I wasn't a huge fan of the original TRON. I loved the light cycle sequence, I was into their crazy future version of electro-frisbee, and if you can pull off a neon glowing suit you got some style but once the story started I was out. I got that same scary feeling after watching this trailer. Get rid of that opening dialogue sequence and get us in the computer world! Quit jibba-jabbing! I don't want to hate on this too early. I'll relax. I'll give TRON the benefit of the doubt.
Hey quick question, is the lead in this movie the kid from Four Brothers? I hope so cause that's going to give me time to bust out my world famous Mark Wahlberg "I wanna know who killed my moms!" Four Brothers impression. Ask me to do it for you the next time you see me. It's pretty solid. TRON Legacy starring Academy Award winner Jeff Bridges and that one brother from Four Brothers opens in theaters on December 17, 2010.

Get at me on that Twitter by clicking right here!

I'll Punch A Predator In The Throat.

2010-03-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

If you're not a citizen of the Nerd-iverse then you're probably not aware that they're making a new Predator movie called Predators. Well they are. It's not a remake. It's a prequel. This one's for all of you who watched the first Predator and couldn't stop thinking, "Wait a minute. Who done the Predator wrong that it's going around acting like this is acceptable behavior? What is his motivation for ripping spines out, shankin' Carl Weathers, and calling us one ugly muddafuhcka?". Well your questions will finally be answered people. I have some questions after watching this sneak peek footage:

The director of this movie is named Nimrod Antal. Why is your name Nimrod bro? Can I trust you?
Is Laurence Fishburne channelling the spirit of Bill Duke? Did the whole cast get told to get in shape except Laurence Fishburne? "Hey everybody get ripped. Except you Laurence, you get hungry."
Is that Shane aka "Teeth" aka "Cleetus Van Damme" from The Shield? Word! Family Meeting!!!
Will we ever see the famed deleted scene from the original Predator where Carl Weathers explains to Schwarzenegger to "save them human bones cause then you got yourself a stew baby!".

We'll see if any and or all of these questions get answered. For now enjoy the sneak peak to Predators.

The official Predators trailer will be released March 18th. The film Predators will be dedicated to the spirit of Bill Duke's BIC razor.

Follow me on Twitter here!

A Day of Realizations

2010-03-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

It's a day of realizations for me. Here's me right now realizing I'm 10+ years late on a particular Irish band's album.

ME: Hey you like U2? I just heard that Zooroopa album. Man they got like a brand new sound on that one.

OTHER PERSON: (walks away).

REALIZATION: It's March! Are you ready for Maaaaaaaaaaarch MADNESS!?! Actually I'm not. I'm not interested at all. Why is it whenever March Madness is talked about it's always being screamed about? On television, in conversation, even when I read it in print the voice I hear in my head is the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing Garret Morris cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling "ARE YOU READY FOR MARCH MADNESS!!!". Or I'm tied to a tree and some guy is standing 15 feet away on a pitcher's mound with a bucket full of magazines and each page in the magazine has the same 5 words typed in it over and over again: Are You Ready For March Madness!!! Jack Torrance stands there and just whips those magazines at me with his best Mitch Williams style fastball.

REALIZATION: I tried an experiment at home with surprising results. I watched Memento while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and my weed exploded.

REALIZATION: I need new headshots. Apparently the one below is being deemed as "inappropriate and unacceptable":

I'd buy a McRib off that guy.

REALIZATION: I'm in Milwaukee, WI right now. Sitting in a coffee shop. I'm looking out the window seeing the avenue and realizing that I'm surrounded by Milwaukee hipsters. Coincidentally, I live in Logan Square on Milwaukee Avenue where I am also surrounded by hipsters. What does this mean? Hipsters love me.

ME: Can I talk about hipsters for a second?
OTHER PERSON: (walks away).
ME: Alright well what about people who complain about hipsters?

I hate people who complain about hipsters and here's why. You don’t hate hipsters. you hate what they remind you of, you son! "You know what it is bro? I hate their skinny jeans, their horn rimmed glasses, t-shirts, and their music"---oh quit crying already you 33 year old grandma! I hate to blow up your revisionist history bubble but our Navajo plaid hoodies, pulled down ball caps, ski goggles, Doc Martens and size 38 denim Girbuads weren’t lighting the world on fire. There should be one day of the year where we’re all forced to wear what we wore in high school for one day. We’ll call it Whoopsie Day! I’ll go first. I’ll have a pair of shiny leather black shoes with silver steel plated rimmed toes, purple red and orange multicolored overall shorts, (one shoulder unhooked) and a navy blue denim long sleeve shirt. I look like Theo Huxtable and an In Living Color Fly Girl had a baby in the back of an Oaktree. The only thing we have hipsters beat on is music. 90’s hip hop is our generations 70’s rock. It’s gonna live on forever. We’re gonna be old men in our 70’s and someone is gonna play Tribe's "Scenario" at the old folks home and half of us still are gonna have the strength to throw our canes in the air and yell:

“Rowr Rowr like a dungeon dragon.
Change ya’ lil draws cause your pants are saggin!!"

Don’t hate hipsters. Accept the fact that you’re getting old and you’re just not that relevant anymore. It’s okay. Turn up that Pharcyde album, let's smoke some weed while we watch Reservoir Dogs and yes yes yes you were never a hipster. Why would I ever think that.
And hipsters? Real quick. Do me a favor. Smile every once in a fucking while will you? It's okay. Whatever is going on trust me, it's gonna be okay. I like to walk around the boulevard with my dog and when we smile at you don't look at us like we just asked you for the fucking rent.

FINAL REALIZATION: I can't just mention Tribe's "Scenario" and then not have it readily available for enjoyment. Everything should always end with "Scenario". Parties, work days, this blog.

So Sabotage We All

2010-03-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Bryan Bowden just sent me this video and it must be shared with all y'all. Am I "that guy" now? The guy who must show you every little thing he finds amusing on the internet. I hope I'm not. That being said check out this shot for shot remake of the video Sabotage by the Beastie Boys using Battlestar Galactica footage. So say who all? So Say We All.

Snake Plissken! I Thought You Were Dead.

2010-03-10T10:01:00.001-08:00

I love John Carpenter. Early John Carpenter circa late 1970s-1980's. I always feel obligated to say that. He's like Stevie Wonder where you have to make the distinction of which era you were a fan of. Stevie's Innervisions: Solid! Stevie's Secret Life Of Plants: Ooooooph. Carpenter made some of my favorite movies in the 80's including Big Trouble In Little China, The Thing, They Live, and Escape From New York*. All classics to this day that still hold up and still garner (I just dropped the word "garner" son!) repeat viewings. All that being said I still wish some were handled better than others. Most notably, I think John Carpenter dropped the ball on the Snake Plissken/Escape series. Here's what we should have been treated to instead of having Escape From L.A. rape my eyes. It should have been:

In The Beginning:

Followed One Year Later With:

Then One Week Later The Grand Finale:

Speaking of Kurt Russell some of my favorite Jack's in life have been Jack Burton, Jack Nicholson, Jack Bauer, New Jack City, Jackin' Off, Jumping Jack Flash (absolutely not the film), Jacking For Beats, and let's give a special shout out to 227's Jackee Harry:

Was she the Black Fran Drescher of the 80's? Based on vocal tone and nasality you can make that argument and win.

But the biggest Jack of them all may have been the end of I'm Gonna Git' You Sucka with KRS-One making a cameo to peform "Jack Of Spades":

Follow me on Twitter here kids!

*R.I.P. goes out to Escape From New York's Donald Pleasance, Isaac Hayes(The Duke!), and Adrienne Barbeau's perfect 80's rack.

Bootsy, Brad, And A Muthafunkin' Box.

2010-03-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

Who's gon' turn this mutha out! Who's gon' turn this mutha out! What's the name of this town?

Yell that shit out right now. I don't care where you are. It will do you no harm. Do it. If unknown to your control you got a lip curl and your smile went from ear to ear then you just got Funk Face. What's Funk Face? Check it. Bam!:

There's two kinds of people in this world. Those who funk. Hit'em Bootsy! Funk Face Two. Check it!

Then there are those who get funked:

What's in the box Brad? It's your wife's head bro. It's always gonna be her head.

What's the difference between these two men? This ain't no LOST Jacob/Man In Black type decision. It's funk or be funked. Lifestyles. Outlooks. If you’re a fan of Bootsy then the funk has been bestowed upon you. You’ve been wiiiiiiiiinded up and you will funk away to Chocolate City, Population: Horny Horns and 100% Funkateers. If you’re a fan of Brad Pitt then you’re waiting for a box in an open country field. "What's in the box?"

Brad! Bro I told you already. It's. A. Head. Your wife's.

See I need positive relatable people in my life. That's Bootsy. He funks among the people. Don’t believe me? Bootsy got his own Twitter page. Follow him now at @Bootsy_Collins. His latest update as of this morning:

Going to LA Mon. to put Sly Stone, George Clinton, and yes Samuel L. Jackson on
the new "Boot-Z-Class" Album. Ahh Funk Me!

Now who do you want on your side? Someone made out of 14CaratGFunkRockStarDollWhoComesEquippedWithStereophonicFunk-ProducinDiscoInducingTwinMagneticFunkReceptors or someone who wants to know "What's in the fuuuuuuckin' box?"

Ask me again Brad. Ask me one mo' a'gin.

When’s the last time you felt really close to Brad Pitt? The only way I could get close to him is if I put myself up for adoption in Africa. Shit if Madonna hasn’t picked me yet why would Brangelina? Ahhh yes. That name. "Brangelina". That name is unacceptable. The first time I heard that I said "Who and what is that?" When they told me it was a name for Brad Pitt I immediately thought what a lot of you probably did, "somebody should put his wife's head in a box." Here's what I wanted Brad to do. I wanted him to call a press conference and say, "Thank you all for coming here today. First things first, anybody who calls me Brangelina I will punch you in the throat, force you to watch The Mexican and Mr. & Mrs. Smith, then cut off your loved one's head and send it to myself standing in an open field. And my apologies to everyone for Meet Joe Black. Now which one of you beeetches got something to say?". Shit Brad show up on Charlie Rose and if he brings up Brangelina bust out your best Jim "Don't Call Me Chris" Everett impression and jump across that table like Charlie was Jim Rome himself and get to whupping on that ass. Shit this is too negative.

Bootsy! Funk Face Three. Wiiiiiiiiiiiind it up!

Do not allow no one to step on your funk. Funk is it's own reward and all those who play with it are sure to master it. I belong to the nation where it's okay for someone to tell me they want to "put it in my earhole" as long as they're wearing a red, white, and blue sequin suit, star rimmed glasses, and 12in. heels. You can either live your life with someone like that on your side or someone who spent too much time trying to look like a pretty Serpico.

Didn't no one ever try and put Serpico's wife's head in no box.

Follow the ways of the funk:

Or follow this guy:

One of them will do you no harm.

Going Green

2010-03-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

How we doing! Thanks to improv group Dirty Water for the fun show last night. The pic above is after the show when St. Pat showed up and he said "Hey Ricky let's get real for this pic right quick!".

I also had a great time on Red Bar Radio recently with Mike D., James Fritz, and Lauren Vino. You can listent to the whole show by clicking here. It's the 2-26-10 show.

Hey you know peoples in Milwaukee? I'll be performing at JD's Comedy Cafe in Milwaukee March 11th - March 13th. Get your ticket information by clicking here!

April 16th & 17th I'll be performing stand up in the first annual Windy City Burlesque Festival. Get all of your information at their website by clicking here!

Don't forget. Live Oscar tweeting tomorrow night starting at 7pm. How can you enjoy that? Well you just follow me on Twitter by clicking here.

This is the best "click here" post you've ever read right?

Alternate Movie Tag Line: Titanic

2010-03-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

It's only fair that since it's Oscar week that we crank out an alternate movie tag line all Academy style n'shit! So here's to you Mr. James Cameron:

Apparently Cameron doesn't have the best sense of humor. Check out this story in the LA Times about a sketch that got cut from the Academy Awards this Sunday that would have had Sascha Baron Cohen and Ben Stiller making fun of Avatar. Hey Cameron! Grow a pair of balls will you, blue Na'vi ones.

Don't forget I'll be live tweeting the Oscars. Follow me on Twitter right here right now! Wu Tang for life.

An Inglorious Oscar Promo!

2010-03-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

My boy Oscar nominated actor Christoph Walz aka Hanz Landa invites you to watch the Academy Awards in this special promo. Enjoy and don't forget to watch the Oscars. I'll be live tweeting them this Sunday night!

Follow me on Twitter here!

Alternate Movie Tag Line: Sex & The City 2!

2010-02-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

This one's for all the ladies out there. With a Jennifer Hudson Dreamgirls roar, "I'm talking to you! And you! And you girl! Not you! And you over there, yeah girl you too, hey girl! Yep! For you as well!".

Don't Sleep On The BlakRok.

2010-02-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

Don't do what I did. Do. Not. Sleep. On. BlakRok. What or who is BlakRok? Talk to this:

Yep. That's The Black Keys playing backup instrumentals with the following MC's on the mic:

Ol' Dirty Bastard & Ludacris
Mos Def
NOE
RZA & Pharoah Monch
Nicole Wray
Raekwon
Jim Jones
Q-Tip, Billy Danze, & Nicole Wray

Check out BlakRok.com for some in studio sessions with all of the guest's listed above. Here's one with the RZA in studio with the Black Keys:

Q-Tip in studio with the Black Keys:

Talk to that kids. Talk to that.

(Big Ups to K-Rock for waking me up to this. Big Ups Girl!)

Snoop. Vader. Adidas.

2010-02-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Snoop D-O-double G in a galaxy far, far, away? Nope. He's just in New York. Kickin' it with Darth Vader and some Storm Troopers. You know, bustin' out their brand new shoes n'shit. Just another day in the NYC.

Happy Ash Wednesday!

2010-02-17T08:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Ash Wednesday from one of our greatest heroes of all, Ash.

Brilliant Idea #187 - The Fat Tuesday Edition!

2010-02-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

Behold above. What you see above are the combined ingredients to the greatest invention known to man since the wheel, the pulled off the market too soon Seth Brundle telepod, and most recently, the Bluray player. Those are the ingredients to the McRib. If you're like me you've struggled constantly with the internal questions: "Will this ever be topped?", "Can it be improved upon?", and the age old "Can you really McShit yourself after McEating one?" I'm here to tell you that the answer to all of these questions is a resounding emphatic, "Ya' goddamn right hell yeah!!!" Allow myself to introduce to yourself, "The McRiBacon!":

Above image removed due to health code violation.

I already hear the questions. "What is The McRiBacon!?". "Where can I pay for The McRiBacon's! services?" "What comes on The McRiBacon!?". There! That is the most important question. What comes on it? Well allow Iself--allow meself---allow me to---Alright here you go:

One layer of crispy cooked bacon lines the lower portion of a tasty sliced French toasted garlic bread bun.
Another layer of that bacon is gonna get all on top of that French bread son.
Now bow down to the McRib McPork McPatty (with defined grilled marks on said patty) along with the traditional accoutrement's of 3 sliced pickles and grilled onions.
Another layer of bacon BAM!
Remember that naughty French bun you were hollering at earlier? Lookout that bitch is back on the top now!
Aaaaah, like an angel descends from the crystal blue sky above us so does another layer of crispy frakkin' hot ass smoky bacon float down and descend on the top of your bun son!
Then it's dipped in a platinum champagne bucket filled to the brim with traditional McRib sauce orijinal.
Now put it in ya' mouf son. Hey I said put it in ya' mouf!!! Hmmmm. Sho' ya' right.

There you are Americans. Just as Moses ascended the rooftops during the Civil War and set the Olympians free so now do I tell you to take off them chains and live your life to the fullest with the glory of The McRiBacon!.

For a special unlimited time pay an extra 8 bucks and you will receive your very own customized tongs and personalized platinum champagne bucket so you can dip, dunk, and alley-oop that bad boy into your McChampagne McRibBaconBucket as much as you want at the comfort of your own chair.

3 things to note when eating The McRiBacon!:

1. The McRiBacon! can only be eaten while listening to "Bustin' Loose" by Chuck Brown & The Soul Searchers:

2. The McRiBacon! is a dine in item only due primarily to public health code violations but more importantly for maximum enjoyment it can only be eaten in the "Court's Chamber!" dining room(**). Here you will be fitted and dressed as a judge before you take your seat at your own personal chamber table so that no one can judge you while you eat. Instead you get to judge all those who deny themselves the glory of The McRiBacon!. In ya' mouf.

(**surgeons are always on duty in the "Court's Chamber!")

3. You only receive the McChampagne McRibBaconBucket when ordered as its full Christian name. No abbreviations are allowed when ordering.

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Daaaaaaaaeeeeeeeey!