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Alternate Movie Tagline: SCARFACE

They're Real Movies. They're Real Fake Tag Lines. They're Alternate Movie Tag Lines: SCARFACE.

I'm Your Tax Man

Things you probably overheard me saying while getting my taxes done by my accountant:

1) Gotta make that paper paper! Gotta make that money money!

2) What’s the name of my business? Wu-Tang International INC.

3) I’m depending on you to get this done so that makes you a dependant right?

4) Gotta make that paper paper! Gotta make that cheddar cheddar!

5) What’s my name? I already told you man it’s Wesley Snipes. Now what’s the problem?

6) Can I just say that playing Bone Thugs N’ Harmony “First of the Month” is a really nice touch to this office?

7) Didn’t make no paper paper! Now I gotta pay them taxes taxes!

8) I owe how much! Alright I have this map see? Now you join me in finding this treasure on One Eyed Willy’s boat and I see both of our problems disappearing.

9) What-wait. No I thought-no wait. I thought you said you was alright Spider.

10) How funny would it be if we put a nugget of weed in the envelope and sent that to the IRS? Okay now what do you mean by “That’s illegal.”?

Upcoming Fun Shows This Week Kids!

Howdy Peoples!

I just want to give you a heads up on some solid show's that I will be a part of this week. So for all you wonderful people who ask when my next show is, Here You Go!:

Tuesday April 13 9pm: Laugh It Up Kid @ Schubas 3159 N. Southport. Tickets are $5 and are available at the door. Check out the LIUK website here!

Weds. April 14th 9pm: Comedians You Should Know @ Timothy O'Toole's 622 N. Fairbanks. Tickets are $5 and are available at the door. Check out the CYSK website here!

Fri. April 16th 8pm: Windy City Burlesque Festival @ Greenhouse Theatre 2257 N. Lincoln. Tickets are $20. Tickets are available here. Check out the Windy City Burlesque Festival website here!

Sat. April 17th 10:30pm: Windy City Burlesque Festival @ Greenhouse Theatre 2257 N. Lincoln. Tickets are $20. Tickets are available here! Check out the Windy City Burlesque Festival website here!

Also check out the new website that I'm a writer/contributer on called Actually Funny. What is it? It's just that. A website with blogs, videos, all dat-all dat! which is actually funny. Check it out here! Become a fan of Actually Funny on Facebook here. Tell your friends. Tell your kids.

"Is that it Ricky?"

Nope. Here comes the knock out punch. I'll be performing with super hilarious Doug Benson (Super High Me, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Last Comic Standing) on May 16th at Zanies!!! Boo-yeah!!! It's a special 4:20pm show. If I have to explain why well, it's cause....you know, you know. Tickets are available here.

That's it. Got it? I'm gone. But if you're looking for me you can become a fan on Facebook right here. You can follow me on Twitter here. You can also check me out on Witstream.com.

Alternate Movie Tag Line - Alien

The Only Thang We Gotsta Fear....

I've lived too much of my life in fear and it sucks. I dated this girl for awhile. One of the prettiest girls I've ever dated in my life. Pret-tay. Fine! The kinda fine where I was like, "What is your fine ass doing with me?" The answer? Not much. She broke up with me soon after. In a written letter. Don't feel bad for me. I got her back by rapping Public Enemy lyrics through my tears on the walk home:

"I got a letter from the government the otha' day!"
"It said this fine ass girl don't wanna see me no more."
"Sob sob sobbing."

There's nothing quite like rejection especially when you're reading it to yourself. Your own voice telling you that you don't want to be with you. I've since learned to read rejection letters with Della Reese's voice in my head. Della Reese telling you that it ain't gonna work out is much easier to accept than your own. Relationships are not my forte. I'm so bad at getting in relationships with girls that if I make eye contact with one I just consider that dating. If she blinks that means it's over. She has a lazy eye? She's cheating.

What are some of the things that've caused the most fear in my life?

Getting on stage to tell jokes for the first time. I'd compare it to coming over to talk to the cool kids table in the lunch room but when you say hi projectile vomit comes out your mouth. Everybody stares at you and you think to yourself, "Shit I gotta try that again but better."

Hoping nobody would catch me trapped in a bathroom stall at church summer camp because I crapped my pants. I crapped my pants, people. At a church fucking summer camp. You know in Full Metal Jacket when Matthew Modine tells Adam Baldwin in his best John Wayne impression, "Well you can just eat the peanuts out of my shit." I could've provided more than enough said shit peanut.

Report card pick up with my mom during 8th grade. Before Mike Tyson used "Welcome To The Terrordome" when he entered the ring to whup on that ass, Haugan Elementary would play it over the loudspeakers when they saw my mom entering the building.

Watching Garret Morris' death scene in The Stuff:



Someday a change will come. If I ever meet Fear I plan on giving it a good "Fuck you!" to the face. On behalf of all of us. It's gonna be a good Jack Lemmon Glengarry Glen Ross Kevin Spacey fucktastic scolding. Because someone needs to. You, I, we can't keep living our lives like this. We're supposed to be winners in this game. We win. Fear loses. Fuck you pay me. And you know what? I'm afraid that's all I have to say on this.

Shit someone call Morris Day and The Time so I can find out when my next gig is.



I'm on Twitter. Talk to that.

Hey Have You Seen That New Scott Pilgrim Trailer?

Alright I've been hearing about this Scott Pilgrim movie for a minute. It's based on a comic book which I haven't read but I'm more a follower of comic book movies than of the actual comic. Put that witty sarcasm down comic book nerds! Sarcasm is for closers.

My aforementioned logic (damn man I be dropping words like "aforementioned" like Nino Brown be handing out turkeys!) looks like it's in my favor because this looks like a comic book come to life and I dig it! I hope the visual exclamation effects that are shown are part of the movie and not just there for some kind of trailer enhancement. I hope Edgar Wright knocks it out again with this one (if you don't like Hot Fuzz or Shaun of The Dead I don't wanna see you no mo'!). And I reeeeeeeally hope that's Anne Veal (her?) playing one of Ramona's evil exes knockin' George Michael the fuck out.

Talk to this trailer then light up a mayon-egg in Anne's honor. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World hits theaters August 13, 2010.